I should be sleeping…

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It’s 5:03 a.m. and I should be sleeping right now, but I’m wide awake.  Apparently my body is starting to get used to my work schedule.

That, and I think it would be cool to surprise Justin on his first break with Dayquil and some Starbucks.  Poor kid has been sick all week and we ran out yesterday.

Probably the real reason I’m up this early is that I’m stressed out.  (Maybe if I vent for a while I’ll be able to go back to sleep for a bit, so forgive me.  I’m going to go into full-on whine mode for a while, because I need to, and this is my blog).  Going back to school has been… really hard.  Harder than I thought it would be, actually.  If I’d known… well, I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t fully know what I was getting myself into.  There’s no way I would have been able to muster up the courage.  As it is, it’s kind of a day-by-day battle.  It’s also a good thing that it’s too late to withdraw, I suppose.  There have been days I’ve strongly considered it.

I hate feeling this messy.

Part of it, I’m sure, is just the load I’m taking this quarter.  I needed a specific class to allow me to officially declare as an English major, and so I was limited in my choices.  Three lit classes were the result.  I’m just barely keeping up.  This past weekend, I felt like I barely saw Justin, I spent so much time in the office typing up papers.  I’d emerge for a minute, wave, and head back in.

I doubt my class load is going to look much different from here on out, however.  With enough credits to graduate already (if they were toward a particular thing — apparently my lack of direction shows in the number of credits I have as a Junior), all my classes each quarter will be literature or writing courses if I ever want to graduate. 

I like writing and literature courses.  But they are kicking my ass.

One in particular.  Frustration took over yesterday to the point where tears welled up in my eyes.  During class.  As if that weren’t enough, a few of them slid down my cheeks.  I’m glad the lights were low.  I was embarrassed enough as it was, and hope my weakness wasn’t noticed.

I genuinely like my prof.  There are days when I really enjoy class.  But the other days… really suck.  We’re learning a certain form of writing that for sure does not come naturally.  I think this is the case for nearly everyone in the class.  And the teacher is working really hard to explain it.  But for me, none of the words are gaining ground.  I believe him that there are huge benefits to learning how to write this way.  I’m on board.  But I… don’t… get… it.  I feel for a moment like I do.  And I write my papers during this moment.  And then I come back to class and realize I was way off.

I’m used to “getting” things.  Fairly easily, usually.  I’m very used to “getting” things when I apply myself and am working really hard.  This is killing me.

Remember these things?

These things, in case you were asleep for most of the mid-90’s, are Magic Eye pictures.  Apparently, if you look at them in a certain way, a beautiful 3-D picture will emerge.

I remember everyone telling me how to do it.

“Relax your eyes.”

“Try not to focus, try to look through the picture, and then the picture will start to come into focus.”

I could look at one of those things all day and wouldn’t see a thing.  Not once have I ever been able to see the damned picture.  I was a pretty happy camper when that craze died off and my next-door neighbors didn’t have one hanging on their living room wall anymore.  I don’t care what picture they saw in that thing — it was hideous.

This is how I feel in class.  My prof is explaining exactly how to do this (also, what not to do when you’re doing this).  Over and over and with greater detail he’s explaining how to do this.  “Relax your eyes.  Relax your eyes.  To the right, and with intensity! OK?”  But the words aren’t making sense, aren’t connecting, and despite trying really damn hard… for the life of me, the picture won’t come into focus.   

At this point, I’m pretty sure my essay will be about the Magic Eye picture that I can’t see.  It’ll be the hardest I’ve ever worked for a lousy grade in a class that I need to pass to declare my major.

Ack.

Justin and I are going to look at the class notes a little later and hopefully he’ll be able to help translate some for me.  It couldn’t hurt — I’m certainly not going to feel any more clueless than I do right now.

As much as this sucks, it helps to have someone who’ll jump in there with me and help sort it out when I feel nuts.  Being married to me for nearly a year is MORE than enough time for Justin to know how overwhelmed and crazy I get sometimes… but every time, he’s consistently there, listening, comforting, waiting for me to come around and gain my courage again.  School will only be for a season, and then there’ll be new challenges and new stresses — but it’s amazing to have such a partner through all of it. 

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